"Haley? Is V acting funny today, or is it just me? V's been flirting with me all day, at least I think so…"

Haley stared at Elan for a moment, then broke into a wide grin. "This is great."


"Elan, there's uhm…Remember when we played out a fantasy of yours last week? The one with the flute, the rope, and Banjo?"

"Yeah, that one was fun."

"Well, uhm, I have a fantasy scenario too. It's kinda complicated though…"

Elan tilted his head and smiled. "Really? Can we do it? Please?"

Haley's jaw dropped. "Really? …You're serious?" Elan nodded. "…YAHOO!!! Go get V, I'll be right back! YES!" She ran to the shop pumping her fist in joy.

Belkar, who had been eavesdropping, grinned wickedly. "This is too good to not record. Next stop, Quest Buy!"


Three hours later, Haley came back from the shop with a wagon full of various objects. "Well, that went better than I thought it would be," she said to herself.

When she bought the physical-stat-enhancing potions, the scrolls of Grease, Rope Trick, Mage Hand, Black Tentacles, and Evan's Spiked Tentacles of Forced Intrusion, the silk rope, the manacles, the whip, the leather (Black AND red!) and the french maid outfit, the shopkeeper just grinned knowingly. When Haley asked to purchase the broomstick, the plunger, the wand, the feathers, the leg lamp, the funnel, the apples, the melon and carrot, the jelly, the bucket of sand, the cup, the hacksaw, the dead trout, and the rubber chicken, the shopkeeper began to look a little worried. By the time Haley put the vaguely phallic vibrating object with non-Euclidean geometry on the counter, she had to bribe the shopkeeper into not telling the police.

Meanwhile, Belkar was busy planting his newly-bought Teevo in Haley's room, giggling all the while.


As Belkar heard Haley walking up the steps, he scampered into his room and turned on Teevo, a psychotic grin spread across his face. He leaned forward in excitement as Haley, Belkar, and an oddly-behaving Vaarsuvius ran into the room and locked the door, then grinned even more widely as Haley poured her gold all over the floor, began to strip, and took out the rope, manacles, whip, and scrolls.

Then she took out the other objects and things began to go south for Belkar very quickly.

Belkar's grin quickly turned into a look of shock and horror as he saw Haley's long-time sexual fantasy played out in front of him. "No no NO! AGH! GODS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?! THAT'S NOT EVEN NORMAL! Oh Gods, what now? Agh! AGHH! No! NO! That does NOT GO THERE! WHY ARE YOU PUTTING THAT IN THERE?! And nowWHAT?! APPLES?! No! No no NO! You do NOT use that like that! —CAN THAT EVEN FIT IN THERE?! HOW DEEP DOES THAT GO?! Oh Gods, that is DISGUSTING! How can you POSSIBLY be turned on byAAAAAGGGHHHHH!!! And now youYOU'RE EATING IT?! MERCIFUL GODS; HOWWITH A MELON?! WHAT ARE YOU PUTTING IN V'S EARS?! No, WHAT ARE YOU PUTTING V'S EARS INTO?! No! Sand does not go there! Sand does NOT go there! Oh Gods, what is that thing?! WHAT IS THAT THING?! THAT'S NOT EVEN EUCLIDEAN! AND YOU'RE SHOVING IT— AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!


Durkon and Roy came back from the tavern to see Belkar rocking back and forth on the floor, trembling madly and sucking his thumb.

"…Never ask what happened here?"


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