(Author’s Note: Takes place in an alternate timeline where Miko didn’t kill Shojo, kept her paladin status, and was forced to join the party as penance for her murder attempts.”
Vaarsuvius frowned. Miko stood on the cliff below the one he (for purposes of this story Vaarsuvius will be male) and Durkon, giving Belkar another lecture on virtue and honor, while Roy was holding him off of the ground so he could keep Belkar from starting yet another fight with the paladin.
“This is beyond idiotic… We managed to stop her from killing one of the only people actively trying to stop this world’s destruction, and yet instead of her being sent off to learn from her mistakes, we get saddled with her?” Vaarsuvius snapped.
Durkon shrugged. “T’is nae for us to understand, lad. Lord Shojo felt that she could be taught t’control her pride by spending time under Roy’s command.”
Vaarsuvius sighed. “All that seems to be being tested is how long it takes before one of us snaps and kills her in her sleep.”
Durkon chuckled. “Ah, she means well, lad. She just does’nae know when to admit tha she’s wrong.”
Vaarsuvius shook his head. “She’s an egomaniac. The only reason I rate her higher than Belkar is that she won’t kill us all in our sleep.”
Durkon chuckled, and went off to a nearby temple to Thor to pray. “Give her time. The problem will work itself out,” he said.
“Bah,” Vaarsuvius said, looking down at Miko, Belkar, and Roy, the latter now trying to keep the former two from throttling each other. “There has to be a way for this to end. At the rate those two are going, I’m going to end up wasting spell slots just trying to keep them apart.”
A vicious thought occurred to him. “Unless… If that fool Miko were to suddenly acquire an irresistible attraction to… Aheh…”
Vaarsuvius grinned, looking around. “Let’s see… Now if I could only find a potion maker…”
As if on cue, the exact shop he needed entered his field of vision. “I just love convenient plot devices, don’t you?” he said to no one in particular, heading into the shop.
To his delight, the shop was run by an elf, who looked just as gender-ambiguous as he did. “Ah, good,” Vaarsuvius said, “That means the potions here will be quality.”
“The best in Azure City, my friend,” the shopkeeper said, “What can I do for you?”
“In an incredible display of bureaucratic incompetence, we have been forcefully assigned Lord Shojo’s most trigger-happy paladin as a member of our adventuring party,” Vaarsuvius said.
“Dear me. Miyazaki is adventuring with you?” the shopkeeper said.
Vaarsuvius nodded. “I’m afraid so. I haven’t been able to properly trance for the past week. She keeps thinking that I’m praying to the Gods and ‘joining in.’”
The shopkeeper sighed. “Poor fellow. What can I do for you, then?”
“I intend to focus her attentions elsewhere. And since I’m feeling rather malicious at the moment, I’m willing to take a hit to my alignment by tricking her into drinking a love potion and falling in love with our party’s Chaotic Evil member.”
The shopkeeper laughed. “Delightful! Let me get my strongest potion from the back.” The shopkeeper left for a moment and returned, holding a bottle with pink liquid in it. “Here. Our most potent potion. Make sure that the Chaotic Evil member is the first thing she sees, however, because she’ll fall in love with whomever she’s looking at the moment it takes effect.”
Vaarsuvius nodded. “I will remember,” he said, “And thank you. How much do I owe you?”
“It’s been ages since I’ve seen another elf,” the shopkeeper said, “For you? No charge.”
Vaarsuvius grinned. “My thanks,” he said, exiting the shop. He went looking for the others. Elan and Haley were off somewhere talking, Durkon was at the temple of Thor praying (and partying, it sounded like), Roy was off at an item shop restocking supplies, and Miko and Belkar were off sulking, Belkar near a tavern, Miko near a park.
Vaarsuvius chuckled. “Perfect,” he said. He went over to Belkar first. “How would you like to get back at Miko for being so horrible to you?”
Belkar grinned viciously. “You had me at ‘get back at Miko.’ So what’s the plan?” he asked, drawing his daggers, “Stab out her spleen and then turn her blood into cream cheese?”
Vaarsuvius paused, actually considering it. “No, I think we’ll save that for someone we want dead.”
Belkar scowled. “You seem to have forgotten whom you are talking to, here. I don’t do non-lethal,” he said. He then remembered something and scowled. “Or at least I don’t do non-lethal when I’m not under the effects of this stupid curse mark…”
Vaarsuvius chuckled. “Trust me. What I have planned will make that imbecile paladin regret her arrogance.”
The two tracked down Miko, who was kneeling in the middle of a grove in the public park and praying. “What do you two want?” she snapped, without opening her eyes.
Vaarsuvius blinked. “How did you know we were coming?”
“The halfling stinks. His very odor offends my existence,” Miko said, still not turning around. Belkar, fuming, started to say something, but Vaarsuvius clamped a hand over his mouth.
“I have simply come to offer you a refreshment,” Vaarsuvius said, “An all-natural fruit drink from a nearby stand.”
Miko frowned, and gazed at him suspiciously.
Vaarsuvius shoved Belkar behind him quickly. “There is no ulterior motive here. We will be setting out soon and it would be better for the group if we are all out our best. I have already given drinks to the others.”
Miko stared at the pink potion, trying to decide whether or not to trust the gesture. Finally, she decided to just be polite. “Thank you,” she said, accepting the potion, “I appreciate the gesture, although I see no reason why the accursed halfling had to accompany you.”
“Sometimes Belkar needs to have certain concepts reinforced,” he said, “Like such as general politeness.”
Miko chuckled. “More like all times,” she said, uncorking the bottle and taking a drink. Almost immediately, she staggered, the potion taking effect almost immediately.
“Now for the fun part,” Vaarsuvius said, picking up Belkar, “Once the love potion takes effect and she falls head over heels for you…”
“WHOA!” Belkar said, cutting Vaarsuvius’s hand and flipping out of his grasp, “Hot she may be, she’s also a festering bitch and I want nothing to do with her!”
Before the elven mage could react, Belkar got behind him drop kicked him in the back of his knees, sending him stumbling into Miko’s grasp. “Besides,” Belkar added, grinning viciously, “I think this’ll be funnier.”
“You fur-footed FOOL!” Vaarsuvius snarled, “Get in front of her now before…”
“You…” Miko hissed, staring right into the elf’s eyes. Vaarsuvius gulped hard, and turned, expecting to see his death…
When Miko suddenly lunged forward and kissed him, needless to say, he was surprised.
Belkar was quite literally rolling around laughing. “I was right! This WAS funnier!”
Miko broke the kiss after a long moment, Vaarsuvius struggling in vain to get away from the much stronger woman. “Beloved…” Miko said, “Beautiful, beloved elf, who’s heart is as pure as that of the Gods, who’s beauty outclasses all things… How could I have not realized how wonderful you are?”
“Madame, please…” Vaarsuvius said, struggling to get his arms free to cast an escape spell.
Miko held him tight, clutching him to her armored chest. “Feel it, my love… My heart, it thunders with my passion for you… I swear in the name of the Twelve Gods, I will do everything in my power to bring you pleasure.”
Vaarsuvius whimpered softly. He struggled, managing to get his head to the side so head could breath again. And speak. “Madame… Miss Miyazaki please…”
Miko looked to the sky, gently stroking the elf’s hair. “I see now… I see now that the Gods have chosen to bless me by bringing us together. For truly there can be no love as strong as ours!”
That did it. Managing to roll natural 20 on a strength check, he forced his way out of Miko’s grasp. “Madame, while I appreciate your offer, I have to inform you that I am happily married and have two children!”
Miko blinked, a hurt look coming to her face “You are?”
Belkar scratched his head, musing on this revelation. “Really? Cause you don’t seem like the ‘settle down and have kids’ type… Very least I bet you don’t pay attention to them much…”
Vaarsuvius gave the halfling a murderous look before his attention back to Miko. “I hope we can part on even terms, Miss Miyazaki. I know this revelation will hurt you, but I believe it is for the best that we…”
Vaarsuvius never got to finish his sentence, as Miko just giggled girlishly (an action that got Belkar laughing wildly again), hugging the elf to her chest again.
“Silly elf,” she said, “It doesn’t matter. Love will conquer all! And if this mate of yours is someone you deemed worthy to let into your heart, then I can love her… him… whichever, just as much!”
“Sweet merciful Gods…” Vaarsuvius moaned.
“Yes, yes they are,” Miko agreed, kissing Vaarsuvius lovingly.
Belkar snickered, and picked up the bottle Miko had dropped. “Crazy Keidraka’s Eternal Love Mixture. Guaranteed to last one human lifetime or the resurrection is free. Warning: Subjects affected become incredibly cheerful and slow to anger. Subjects affected will not listen to reason and simply adjust their romantic delusions accordingly,” he read.
Vaarsuvius groaned. His plan had backfired so badly… Inkyrius was going to slaughter him…
“OH!” Miko said, “That reminds me! If your mate has trouble with the concept of our love, perhaps he… she… whatever, would be accepting of me as a pet? I know where I can find a plethora of erotic costumes, as well as the locaiton of a book of species-specific ways of giving physical pleasure.”
Belkar blinked. “And where would a Stick-Up-Her-Ass Paladin like you know where such things are?”
Miko blinked, as if noticing Belkar for the first time. “Hm? Oh, I raided a succubus’s den a few months back. It’s all in the evidence locker. I wanted to protect the other paladins from being tempted, so I put a magical seal on them. Only I can access the box they are all stored in.”
Belkar grinned lavaciously. “Really now… I think maybe you and I should go check these out. I am pretty familiar with V’s tastes, and I think I may know what he’d like.”
Vaarsuvius tried to protest, but his face was buried in Miko’s armored bosom again.
At which point, Roy, Durkon, Haley, and Elan showed up.
“…Do I even want to know what’s going on?” Roy asked.
Vaarsuvius grinned weakly. “I assure you there is a logical explanation for this. And I am certain I will be able to think of it in fairly short order.”
Miko grinned, and said, “I have come to the realization that this elf is the greatest living being in the universe and have decided to become his slave for life!”
Belkar just grinned savagely, tossing them the bottle.
Durkon facepalmed. Haley began snickering, burying her face in Elan’s shoulder. Roy just shook his head, rubbing his temples. Elan just stared blankly at the bottle. “A love potion…?” he said. His face brightened as an idea came to him, and he declared, “Vaarsuvius is in love with Miko!”
“And I adore him in return!” Miko said, hugging Vaarsuvius tightly.
Belkar and Haley collapsed, unable to contain their laughter.
Vaarsuvius groaned. “I have to reverse this,” he said.
Roy smirked. “Do that. But consider this: She is SAVAGELY devoted to the law. How will she react to you once the effects of the love potion wore off?”
Vaarsuvius froze, considering his options.
1 month after the Order of the Stick saved the world…
Vaarsuvius nervously sat down with his mate, Miko standing loyally by his side. “Kyrie? My beloved? Firstly, I wish to apologize for leaving you alone all this time in my pursuit of power. Secondly… um… before I continue, let me introduce paladin Miko Miyazaki.”
Miko smiled cheerfully and bowed to Inkyrius, the green-haired elf visibly taken aback. “Greetings oh most worthy wife of my beloved whom I love just as much by extension since my beloved Vaarsuvius deemed you worthy enough to marry his magnificent self therefore you must be just as wonderful,” Miko said, all in a single breath (amazingly enough).
Inkyrius just stared open-mouthed at Miko, her proclamation having stunned the green-haired elf into silence. Inkyrius then glared at Vaarsuvius, demanding an explanation.
Vaarsuvius chuckled nervously. “Ah… A potion-based punishment to an associate of mine backfired tremendously… Miko is going to be staying with us a while…”