Xykon’s Best Kept Secret

“Xykon, sir?”
“They were dead when I got there, Redcloak.” said Xykon instantly.
“Uh.” said the goblin. “No. Not the issue… not the one I’m here for…”

The long suffering cleric sighed.
“I noticed you casting spells you shouldn’t have. Spells that aren’t sorcerer spells.” he asked.
“And you have no reason to know.” growled Xykon.
“I need to know all the abilities we have available.” said Redcloak, worried.
“Lullaby.” muttered Xykon.

Redcloak yawned, and Xykon made a run for it.
“W…wait!” he said drowsily.
Then he snapped awake.
“That’s not a sorcerer spell…” he muttered, dazed.

He barely had time to think further before sleep took him.

“Xykon!” shouted Redcloak, after a very good night’s sleep.
“What is it now?” asked the skeleton, rolling his glowing eye-things.
“I solved every problem we have.” he said. “Those adventurers. The order of the stick.”
“Those idiots? Led by… whassisname… Redblade?”
“Greenhilt.” said Redcloak, with a hint of exasperation. “Why don’t you just scry them and then blow them to pieces? Scry ‘n’ die, like the elf tried on you?”
“You don’t know anything.” said Xykon, with a touch of superiority. “They’re PCs. They come to us for climactic showdowns. It’s the entire point of the dramatic flow of the story.”

There was a brief silence.

“You… are… a Bard!” said Redcloak in horror.
Xykon grabbed him in an instant, lifting him by the neck and holding him up against the wall.
“But…” choked the goblin. “I’m not going… t…to tell anyone?”

The lich dropped him, and he collapsed, gasping for breath against the wall.
“You’d better not.” he said.

Redcloak fingered the bloodied scrapes along his neck.
“…oops. Cure Light Wounds.” said Xykon with a touch.

“You’re a GOOD bard!” said Redcloak in horror.

He found himself against the wall again, choking.
“Alright you pathetic little excuse for a minion.” snarled the undead spellcaster. “If you continue to dredge up these… these…” he said, before spitting out the word. “HAPPY memories, I’m going to tear you d6 new orifices and then METEOR SWARM THEM ALL IN TURN.”

He dropped him again.
“Greater Teleport.” he snarled.

“Alright, where the hell am I? muttered the newly revealed bard, looking around at what appeared to be a desert.
A quick look discerned that yes, it was a desert.

“Great…” he muttered. “Last time I teleport randomly… well, unless I get bored.”

He sighed in irritation.
“What am I gonna do now? It’ll ruin the entire storming out scene if I just go back. I’m going to have to stay out for at least the night… maybe I can find a town. I’m bored.”

He scanned the horizon-and saw a pillar of smoke.
“That way then.” he muttered. He began to walk, suddenly stopping.
“Huh. Better not look like this.” he muttered. “Alter Self.”

Xykon hadn’t thought this through beyond ‘human.’

He ended up with long, red hair, blue eyes, a pretty, feminine face, wearing a female version of his normal robes.
If you hadn’t realised, he seemed to be a girl now.

Of course, having been undead for longer than he cared to count. Xykon-ette hadn’t noticed. And it wasn’t like there was water around to look in.

So SHE set off towards the smoke. It couldn’t be that far away, SHE reasoned. Xykin kept walking for maybe five minutes before cresting a large sand dune, and swearing quietly to HERself.

The camp was occupied by a brown skinned fighter, an elven wizard, a psychotic Halfling ranger, and a red haired rogue, not to mention the dwarven cleric and blonde bard who were around somewhere.

Just his luck.
They couldn’t see through the illusion. Hell, Xykie was EPIC level.
Bring it.

She walked forwards.

Upon getting closer, he noticed that the only awake member of the party seemed to be the bard. What was his name… brother of that stupid idiot with the goatee.
Elan, that was it.

Well, bluff was a sorcerer class skill, after all.

“Hello.” said Elan brightly to the girl approaching the camp. “Are you evil?”
“Ummm… no.” said Zykette. “Is your name Elan?”

“That’s me.” said the bard. “You must have heard of me! I’m a well known adventurer.”
Zykina nodded understandingly.
“Didn’t you help blow up some paladin’s city?”
“…not deliberately.”

Zyka smirked silently to herself. That complete idiot. Hadn’t realised a thing. It was idiotically cute. Maybe she’d keep talking to him for a while before she Meteor Swarmed them all.
“So, what are you doing suspiciously in the middle of a desert?” asked Elan.
“Well, I’m… I escaped. From an… evil lich.” she said, making it up as she went along.
“Wow! We’re fighting an evil lich!” said Elan in wonderment.
“Wow! What a co-incidence!” said Zykylla, laughing on the inside. She’d hit gold with this one-he was stupid beyond all belief. What was his intelligence, four? Though with the charisma he seemed to be exuding, he’d make a hell of a sorcerer. Maybe she’d suggest it.

“Have you ever considered being a Sorcerer?” said Xykka. “With that charisma score, you’d be awesome.”
“Vaarsuvius says that Sorcerer’s are idiotic fools without the mental capacity to actually learn their power.” said Elan, with the air of a pompous five year old reciting what he heard his parents saying.

Xykaiah couldn’t respond, she was so angry. Insulted… and by the elf that lost her phylactery no less. Why, the second she saw that… thing…
“I… I…” she said, trying and failing to speak.
“Oh, don’t be upset.” said Elan comfortingly, misunderstanding. “I’m sure they’re nice really, if you get to know them. Vaarsuvius doesn’t much like anyone.”

Xykonia hated it when people used diplomacy on her. Especially when they actually succeeded. It felt like the world was cheating her out of her anger.
“Maybe I’ll try it at my next level.” he offered, eyes wide and conciliatory.

Xykanna smiled. “That’d be great. Maybe I can teach you. Blasting with sorcery works great when you mix it with sneaky bard stuff.”
“Good idea! I tried to be a wizard once, but V said that she liked me as I was. He’s okay really, once you get to know her.”

The disguised Lich blinked.
“…even you don’t know what gender… Vaarsuvius… is?” she asked, distaste evident in the way she pronounced the name. Of course, Elan missed it.
“Nope. I think Belkar thinks he’s a girl, and she does always take a room with Haley… well she did, but now Haley and I…”
Elan trailed off as he realised he was straying into more personal areas.

“You and the rogue chick are doing it?” asked the sorceress bluntly.
Elan laughed nervously.
“We’re in love.” he said.

For some reason, Xykennia had the sudden urge to destroy something.
“Don’t frown.” said Elan sadly. “You look pretty when you smile.”

There was a surge of something in the Lich’s chest. She had no clue what.
Then she blinked. As many problems as it would explain, the bard was not gay… he had a girlfriend. Maybe he was bi. That or…

Xykon looked down.
“What’s wrong?”
“Uh. Nothing.”
“Oh.” said Elan. “What’s your name?”
“Xyko- Xykenna.”
“Nice to meet you, Xykenna!”
“…you too, Elan.”

Maybe she wouldn’t kill him. Yet.

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