Androgynous arrogant elf could never be called normal for certain, at least not in Belkar’s opinion. And after that incident with some creepy spell, when Vaarsuvius broke in battle with Xykon all by hirself and then has returned and started to talk to hir imaginary raven (or was it crow? Never mind…), things became much worse. Even Haley noticed at some point that V might be “loosing it”.
However Belkar only realized, just HOW bad things were, when the elf burst into his tent at hell-knows-how-early in the morning, looking all angry and growling something like “Care to explain what this is?!”
Unlike Vaarsuvius Belkar wasn’t used to such early awakenings, but the elf, of course, couldn’t care less. Halfling felt an immediate desire to throw a couple of daggers in the upstart, but curiosity overcame. Belkar crossed his arms and looked interestedly at the sheet of paper that the elf was waving right in front of his face.
“Love letter?” said Belkar indifferently, shrugging.
“Indeed. I have discovered it today nearby my tent, right after I have completed my usual trance. Can you give me an explanation of what was it doing there?”
“Laying?” Belkar was starting to get irritated by the whole situation. Why was that pointy-eared ass-pain asking all those questions to him, and not to, let's say, big hungry troll or dragon or… something?!
Vaarsuvius pursed his lips into a thin line, clearly unsatisfied with that answer. Was that insufferable Halfling trying to put hir out of temper?
“Do not behave as if you have nothing to do with it!”
“What are you talking about, you damn ear-pointed drat?!” The tiny bowl of patience that Belkar had was now clearly empty and dry. “It was YOU who burst into my tent in the middle of the… early morning, yelling some sort of stupid nonsense! First all those explosive runes, now this…” Halfling’s face turned very suspicious. “Are you stalking me?”
“Well, it was you who send me this!” The elf emphatically raised his hand with a piece of paper in it. Hir voice was as arrogant and contemptious as it could be: it was necessary to let Halfling understand just how much the mighty wizard was out of his league.
Belkar just stared at the elf, completely stunned.
“You’re kidding, right?” He blinked. “Why would I do something like THAT?”
Vaarsuvius froze. Such pronounced shock wasn't something that could be seen on Belkar’s face very often, and this expression was certainly almost impossible to fake.
Wizard glanced at the sheet of paper in hir hands. Why indeed? The letter wasn’t signed, so possible adresser should be a pure guess. Vaarsuvius didn’t actually know how Belkar’s handwriting looked like. Truth be told, the elf wasn’t even sure that Halfling knew how to write at all. So WHY ze suddenly decided that it was Belkar (come on! BELKAR!) who send this letter?
The worst part was that now, when the elf knew the Halfling had nothing to do with it, ze couldn’t help but feel a little… disappointed?
Not willing to dig deeper into this question, Vaarsuvius quickly stopped hir train of thoughts. There was something scary about what ze might have discovered.
“I see,” Vaarsuvius refocused on the Halfling in front of hir and arrogantly threw hir head back. Ze couldn’t show ze felt really uncomfortable. “I apologize for thinking that dead-hearted, insensate degenerate such as yourself could possibly have emotional range more complicated, than Elan’s mental capacity.”
“Well I’m glad we set this clear,” growled Belkar. “Will you get out of my tent now and let me sleep?!”
The Elf snorted and went to the exit, anger written clearly on hir face. But phrase, that irritated Belkar mumbled, made hir stop in hir rush. “I doubt your androgynous ass can make anyone feel even a plain emotion.”
“Excuse me?!” Scowled Vaarsuvius.
“Oh, come on! Do you really think you’re good enough to catch attention of sexy shoeless God of War himself?!”
“Oh, I think you may find that I did that already!” The memory suddenly surfaced uninvited images of a certain New Year’s night.
“You certainly didn’t!”
“I did!” Ze didn’t even know why ze was arguing.
“Did not!”
“Well, if you think-”
Belkar knew very well it was beginning of yet another long and tiresome lecture. And he certainly wasn’t in the mood for those.
Partly to prevent further talking and partly to put an end to all this silly argument, the Halfling quickly grabbed Vaarsuvius' shoulders, pulled hir to his level and pressed his lips to hirs.
It was… strange. The Halfling almost expected V to smack Fireball in his face or run away to disinfect hirself or turn into a frog in the end. But nothing of it had happened. There was that feeling… warm, soft, nice even. And strangely familiar. Like if Belkar already tasted those lips before…
And then happened what even Vaarsuvius hirself wasn’t expected. The elf kissed back. Uncertainly, lightly, as if in some sort of unconsciousness. For brief seconds constant arguing, hatred, bitterness, loneliness, even all Snarl and Gate problems – all of that suddenly didn’t matter anymore. It was like the whole world stepped aside and left just two of them.
And several moments later… it was over.
Slender arm gently pushed the Halfling aside. As if awakening from a hallucination, they absently looked at each other. Heavy silence hung in the air.
“Hah,” said Belkar several minutes later, “Guess you really did.” The Halfling involuntary wondered if he had fallen asleep and now was having a nightmare. A really scary one.
Vaarsuvius frowned.
“THAT,” the elf lightly touched hir lips with hir fingertips, “was absolutely unnecessary.”
“Didn’t come up with a better idea to shut you up,” argue to wake up immediately rose with every second.
Another silence. Sheet of paper (long forgotten) was quietly rustling in the long graceful fingers.
“So it was not your initiative to write this letter?” asked Vaarsuvius, obviously trying to recover the remains of his self-control.
“No. Probably it’s just someone’s prank on April Fools’ Day.”
The elf clenched hir fist, wrinkling the note. Thing were getting better and better with every second.
“I see,” Belkar looked at the elf’s expression and thought there will be a lot of explosive runes later that day. Wizard clearly didn’t remember about April Fools. “I shall leave now. You may return to your occupancy…” with a sour face Vaarsuvius turned on hir heels and went to the exit, trying hir best to ignore a disturbing feeling that was telling ze didn’t want to go.
Belkar stared at the elf’s back and suddenly felt somewhat… doomed. The whole situation already crossed the line of pure absurd and now was in the area of uncontrollable madness.
Why in the hell he kissed that elf? And, most importantly, why – Oh, WHY?! – the stupid androgynous elf kissed him back?! And all because of that damn note, curse it! Whoever wrote it, Belkar will make sure he’ll pay. Screaming, twisting and dying, slowly, piece by piece. The Halfling could guarantee that.
Of course, usually Belkar liked all sort of pranks (especially those that he made himself) and just loved to watch a certain elf becoming their target. In other circumstances he’d be laughing. But right now… it wasn’t funny at all…
Outside the tent Haley was completely stunned and didn’t see immediately Vaarsuvius' coming out of Belkar’s tent, so she sneaked out of sight at the last second. Watching the elf’s back, she sighed and shook her head. Well, it certainly wasn’t quite what she expected. Replaying a mental picture of what she witnessed just a few minutes ago, Haley once again thought that maybe she just should’ve come along with Elan’s idea of throwing cactuses in Order’s sleeping bags and painting Mr. Scruffy blue…

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