It was a temperate mid-winter morning amid the great equatorially placed City of the Southern Lands known as Azure City. A halfling of diminutive size and intellect, atop a pair of stilts and garbed in the telltale cloak of a Sapphire Guard paladin. He approached the throne room and addressed the Paladin identified as O-Chul.
"I seek an audience with Lord Shojo, master of Azure City and its surrounding territories. I have a pre-existing appointment."
"Yes, the schedule confirms the validity of your statement" O-Chul, a man of few words, simply replied.
"Then allow me private access such that I may converse with our master, such that I may have reassurance of our respective goals, oh paladin with whom I share membership with." Belkar said in a slight mocking tone.
O-Chul, not an unwise man, had always suspected something was irregular with the strange paladin that stayed with the adventuring band known as The Order of the Stick, but his train of thought was abruptly interrupted by the calls of his seemingly senile lord. "Mr Scruffy, our 10 o'clock temporary companion has arrived. Do you wish to greet him with an endowment of salt water Acipenseridae? O-Chul, please secure the barricade, for Mr. Scruffy desires privacy."
O-Chul, endlessly frustrated with his master's peculiarities but nonetheless loyal and upholding of the legislations of Azure City, obliged and let the disguised halfling entrance.
Upon confirming the door's security, Lord Shojo halted the act and greeted the despicable halfling with a warm tone, one refined by decades of experience in dealing with those with whom he had little desire to have extended contact with.
"Unwanted burden of Sir Greenhilt, what is it that you wish to inconvenience my existence with?" Lord Shojo inquired politely, confident that he could survive any assault the halfling could lay upon him long enough for the Mark of Justice engraved upon Belkar's head to incapacitate him and alarm the guards.
Steeling up something that he had been repressing for some time, he exhaled then spoke, "Please Master Shojo, I desire to be your concubine." Belkar begged the aged human.
Surprised and disturbed at this proclamation of lust, Shojo backed slightly away from the miniature hormone driven ranger, then stammered out, "I am flattered, violent, impulsive and libidinous wretch of a sentient being and shame of the Bitterleaf clan, but I cannot accept your offer of sexual vassalage."
Agonized by the rejection, Belkar sulked, then inquired to the nature of it, "But why not? It is what I desire more than anything I can conceive of in this primitive lump of neurons lodged in my cerebellum."
Calling upon his endless skill in subterfuge and machinations used to keep a force of paladins and an active nobility seeking to usurp his power in the dark of his mental faculties, he stated to the lecherous halfing in the hopes of assuaging him in case he disregards the risk of the curse laid upon him meant to prevent him from inducing bodily harm upon living entities, "Um… although I am flattered at your declaration of concubinage, I have dedicated my life to celibacy, for fear that my enemies try to use my sexual proclivities against me. As well, my age, though not significant amongst other species, is considered very advanced for humans, and the stress of running Azure City under so many layers of deception has weakened my cardiovascular system as well as my capacity for maintaining erection. I fear I could not be an acceptable partner in such a situation. And lastly, among humans, I individuals of your stature are typically children, and conjugal interaction with the young is universally considered taboo, even among the savage humanoids. I know that ogres will bludgeon to death pederasts. I apologize, but a relationship with you cannot happen." The truth was much simpler. Lord Shojo preferred heterosexual consummation exclusively, and even if he did not, Belkar was a disgusting and horrific individual that any degree of familiarity would make sexual liaison with him far too disturbing to be desirable.
Distraught, the abhorrent entity known as Belkar donned again his garb meant to distract local authorities from his true identity, then proceeded to douse his sorrows in intoxicating beverages and women of loose morals. And so concludes the tale of the failed relationship betwixt Lord Shojo and Belkar Bitterleaf.
Durkon: Vaarsuvius, I think ye need to admit yer theory was flawed.